The Seventh Reflection

I stopped living in the present because I didn’t feel welcome there.

Back in August, I was having a conversation with my dad about how I wish I could talk to my mom about all the problems I was having in life, most notably the following:
With work
With girls
With motivation

I desperately wanted to talk to my mom about those things, despite the fact that she passed away over 3 years ago

A seemingly innocent thought very quickly became a much bigger problem: not only did I want to go back in the past and talk to my mom about the problems I was having…I wanted to live in the past. I started to dig up old photo albums, listen to music I used to listen to when I was growing up, and watch things that reminded me of a previous version of myself: the version of myself who had childlike innocence in the way he viewed the terrors of the world

I even started working on an art project to help myself express the way I was feeling. I wanted to make something to help express my distaste for the horrible existence we discover is our reality when we grow up and become less innocent

I realized recently without even really consciously thinking about it that I was living in the present again. I realized I wasn’t actively thinking about the colors of the folders I used for my classes in elementary school, the McDonalds that just so happened to be open late one night when I was in high school and severely mentally unwell, or the folding chair I sat on when I would play video games as a kid

I was thinking about coffee. I was specifically thinking about the iced dirty chai I was drinking at the moment. And then I was thinking about moving apartments. And then I was thinking about playing Overwatch with some online friends of mine who I play with on occasion (and who I’ve missed playing with while I’m out of town and hundreds of miles away from my computer)

I was thinking about the present. And I was thinking about the near future.
I wasn’t thinking backwards. I was thinking ahead

I felt comfortable doing that again. I felt welcome living in the present again. I felt optimistic thinking about the future again

And I haven’t stopped living in the moment since