The Second Reflection

I’ve noticed that something has changed in my attitude that I haven’t noticed since before I met my ex. I’ve noticed myself being less abrasive and harsh. I’ve noticed myself being more kind and more caring and more compassionate towards the people I work with…

Normally, one of our morning anchors pisses me off to the extreme and we have an meteorologist who annoys the hell outta me, but both yesterday and today, I noticed myself seeing that anchor differently and we’ve had some really interesting/fun/entertaining conversations the last 2 mornings, and that meteorologist has made me laugh more in the last few days than I’ve laughed for a very long time. I haven’t smiled or laughed at work this much since my director debut back in early April, which was before I met my ex

I think I’m quicker to forgive others for small things now because I realize the fragility of humanity, the imperfections we all have as humans, our tendencies to make mistakes, and the overall difficulty of existence as a whole. It can suck to be alive sometimes, but we’re all experiencing it, so we might as well be grateful for the companionship we have in our suffering as human beings and make the most of what little life we get to live in the grand scheme of things. I need to get better at forgiving myself for things of that same small size

With all of that being said, I got to end my work week today in studio with that anchor and that meteorologist and one of our master control operators (who was one of my trainers when I was a temp in 2022) and I got to sit in the corner I sat in for the first time almost 2 years ago. The corner where my life changed and my perception of reality was shattered into a million pieces and I was exposed to the fragility of life, as well as the reality that I am special and I am successful, just not in the way that society commonly perceives success. I’m not rich, I’m not famous, and the only power I have is to try my best and attempt to make the world a better place. But, despite those perceived shortcomings, I don’t fall short in one way: I’m happier than every single person who’s told me I’m unworthy of experiencing that feeling of happiness, or otherwise made me feel like my life is meaningless and unimportant

Maybe I’m not lying to myself every time I look in the mirror and tell myself to remember that this is what a better life is. Maybe I’m telling myself the truth and being brutally honest when tell myself that and that a better life for me involves waking up at 2am and drinking energy drinks (fewer now than I did when I was a temp, as I revealed to that anchor today) and listening to music on the drive to work while loudly singing along

With that knowledge, I think I’m going to be significantly better at looking out for myself and being aware of how I feel and being honest to myself about that, and not jumping into a relationship or a friendship that I know isn’t going to make my life any better or make my heart any happier

Not everyone is meant to be part of my life, and I need to take that to heart and do something with that knowledge. I’ll keep sitting in different chairs, playing with my fancy control panels and hitting my colorful buttons, all while smiling and laughing and enjoying life no matter who’s there to hear about it or experience it with me. Life is meant to be enjoyed, is it not? I hope the people who are meant to enjoy it with me are willing and able to

I won’t be surprised if I never date ever again.
I won’t be surprised if I never get married.
I won’t be surprised if I live alone for the rest of my life.
But I won’t be surprised if those things being my reality make me just as happy, if not more than I currently am

I have short hair, I’m single, I’m sleep deprived, I have some tattoos and I recently removed my eyebrow piercing because I completely stopped taking care of it, my apartment is a mess, and I’m happy for once.
It’s crazy how much easier it is to be happy when you’re not thinking about all the ways you need to be different to satisfy someone else’s idea of your happiness, as those people will ultimately love themselves more than they will ever love you, and will want you to conform to their idea of what happiness is while they are incredibly unhappy themselves.
It’s also much easier to be happy when you’re not constantly thinking that you need to be somewhere else doing something else to satisfy this idea that you have to be normal and do normal things to be happy. Being normal and doing normal things will only earn you normal amounts of happiness. Being extraordinary and doing extraordinary things will earn you extraordinary amounts of happiness, and in extraordinary ways